Bigfoot and other Dreadful American Monstrosities
by Demolition Cat
Summary: Woo! Let the insane shameless self-insertion commence! My first TDIS fic, a pointless, humorous fic inspired by a day in da woods. Read n' Review, folks! Thankee!


Note: DUN DUN DUN! I've decided to show my face here O.o Dearire me, I haven't ventured into this section before now ^.^  
  
Hullo, I'm Demolition cat. Referred to as Demo. 'Mazing, no? Urmm... I LOVE TDIS sequence... fav. Char is Merry ^.^ He's just so chou. Urm, neat. Not everyone speaks me language O.o Uhh... I'm not a romancey type, I HATE Yaoi/Slash/Shounen Ai. If you like that kinda stuff, go fer it, but don't present it to me. Jus' a warning to y'all. I dun hate authors of the stuff, just... the stuff itself. I dun kill the messenger ^.^  
  
I'm a crazed psychopath, currently working on 'Succession of Witches', a JtHM fic which none of you will have heard of. So for now I'll be doing a few humorous, pointless fic for TDIS. I'm not finished wit the series, anyway, I'm on The Grey King. Bleh. So... that's mah perspective. I guess this takes place after Greenwitch and before the Grey King, tho it doesn't really matter O.o;;  
  
Please enjoy my fic, induced by a day in the woods.  
-----  
Bigfoot and other dreadful American Monstrosities.   
---  
Will Stanton let a cavernous yawn reeled in his fishing line, satisfied that there were no fish anywhere in Cedar Bluff Lake. He'd been fishing for around 2 hours with one nibble, and when he had jumped up excited to look, he had gotten view of the fish just in time to see it brutally attacked and devoured by a large brown snake.   
  
Not a pretty sight.  
  
As he packed up his gear to go, he reflected on how he'd gotten into this mess to begin with. After his holiday in Cornwall, his uncle had insisted he join them for another short vacation in America. Exactly why his uncle had been so insistent Will couldn't guess. But he'd never been before, and he found the idea intriguing. He might even get an actual break from struggling with the Dark.   
  
So far so good. Three days and absolutely nothing had happened. And when the term 'nothing' is used, it's used with reason. The first day Will had just hung around the cabin exploring the woodlands in which his uncle had taken them for the finale of their long vacation R&R. He hadn't found anything out of the ordinary or particularly interesting there. The next day he had ventured off into the woods, hoping to see some of the native wildlife.   
  
Nothing.  
  
And now, today, he had tried to go fishing. It would figure that this would end in a failed attempt at entertainment. He was already looking forward to going home!  
  
As he balanced the rod over one shoulder, a rustle in the bushes temporarily distracted him from his miseries. He whirled around, interested. This was the most exciting thing that had happened to him in three days! He crouched low and watched the foliage, wondering if it were a fox, or a deer, or a wolf...  
  
...and a calico cat bounded through, sneezing uproariously.  
  
Though Will had never seen a cat make such a noise, he was disappointed.   
  
The cat fell over on one side, finally rid of its sneezing attack. It stared at the gravel with impossibly bright green eyes, two black ears swiveling back and forth and a fuzzy tail twitching occasionally.   
  
"Hullo, there," Will reached out and patted its head. It was small, as far as cats go, with an overall white underside and splotches of bold black and red over its back, tail, and face. It jumped, fur on end, standing on lanky legs and blinking widely at him.  
  
It wailed. "I'm stuck again, aren't I!?"  
  
Will blinked.  
  
"The Horizontal Man TOLD me to stay put. NOT to try and venture PAST the screen, didn't he? But nooo, I had to try and cross the boundary myself! I wonder where I am," it muttered as it sat, looking around. "And who are you, child?"  
  
"W-Will Stanton," the Old One had gotten over the initial shock of meeting a talking animal, and one who babbled incoherent nonsense, at that.  
  
"Oh, I KNOW YOU!!" it began to bounce without bending its legs at all, an interestingly executed feat. "I KNOW YOUSE! I wonder why I'm stuck here, in particular. No matter. Is your lamp comfortable?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Is it? I need a place to sit while I think of how to get out of this mess." The cat eyed him up and down speculatively.  
  
That made Will sort of nervous. "I wouldn't know, I've never sat in it..." he then grinned, realizing how ridiculous the last statement had sounded.  
  
"I suppose your head will have to do," the calico feline sighed, turning its back to Will. It sighed deeply, tiny shoulders heaving, then spun around, crying at the top of its lungs, "EUUULAAALIIAAA!!"   
  
With a single, perfectly calculated leap, it sailed through the air and landed on Will's head, scrabbling for purchase. Will gave a surprised shout, grabbing fur in his hands, trying to pull the crazed cat off his head. "OW! GET OFF!"  
  
"NEVVEEERRR!" the cat howled. "I claim this land in the name of Spain!"  
  
"What!?" he grasped the cat's tail and started to yank.  
  
"SPAIN! Where all the Spaniards come from! The Spanish!" it suddenly sat up, loosing its grip on his head. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"  
  
The moment the cat has loosened its grip, Will had yanked it free and thrown it a good five yards in the air. With a despairing yell it crashed through undergrowth, and Will felt guilty as he heard it roll to a stop. But that quickly vanished.  
  
"BLLAAGHHH! I KILL! KILLEEEE!!" the cat flung itself out of the bushes and began to ravenously and mercilessly attack, swiping claws and snapping tiny white teeth, sinking them deep into-  
  
-Will's shoe. He watched, amused, at the maddened cat's attempt to kill his footwear.  
  
"You will pay for what you did to Grandpappy!"  
  
"I didn't do anything to your... 'grandpappy'! Will said, indignant.  
  
"Well... oh dearie me, you're right," she sat back and blinked widely, ears falling flat in embarrassment. "Forgive."  
  
"Sure..." Will watched the cat, staring at the ground and his somewhat mangled shoe. "Are... are you of the Dark?" he ventured.  
  
The cat suddenly broke out into song. "In the Dark of the Night, terror will find her! In the Dark fo the Night... evil.. will... um, I seem to have forgotten the rest of the song. SWEET QUEEN AROUND S! IT'S THE PIGMAN!" and then she turned and fled.  
  
Will stared after her, blinking slowly. "That was... odd." He said with finality.  
  
Then another sound behind him interrupted his confused thoughts. He turned around, coming face-to-face with the bipedal hairy monstrosity commonly known to us American's as Bigfoot. Will's eyes went as wide as... um... I don't want to say saucers, because that's a typical response.   
  
...what's something that could be wide and circular...?  
  
...Will's eyes went as wide as Deimos (look it up iffya dunno what it is XD) and he backed slowly away from the heavily-breathing creature.   
  
It only stood there, panting like an enormous, ugly dog on two legs.  
  
Will blinked, tentatively stepped forward, and poked it.  
  
It didn't move. He tried again, pushing it harder, and the beast fell backwards, still panting, merely lying stiffly on the ground. He shook his head. "Weird."  
  
"Weird is an understatement," a voice from behind him piped. He turned and looked at a walrus that had seemed to appear out of nowhere. It blinked beady eyes at him and lifted a flipper to tip a comical top-hat. "Cherrio."  
  
"Um... hi," Will said. He was getting used to this nonsense. The walrus blinked again, owlishly, his mustache-like whiskers twitching as he regarded the confused Old One with a deep 'harrumph'. "Could... could you tell me what's going on?" Will asked. "I've been in some strange situations before, but this caps them all... well, in a way."  
  
The walrus looked from left to right. "Yes, yes, this does seem peculiar, does it not? Well, aside for hordes of zombie Oompa-Loompas and the ghost of Willy Wonka, I'd say this is one of the strangest things to come out of ...her... yet."  
  
"Her?"  
  
"Did you, perchance, happen to come across a small calico cat who was raving like a lunatic?" The walrus said expectantly.  
  
"Yes." Will felt a sick sensation at the pit of his stomach.  
  
"She's Demolition Cat. Commonly referred to as 'Demo'. By her victims. She a fanfic author, and you, my friend, are in a fanfic. The first fanfic in a genre is always the worst. This is your first encounter with the insanity she has unleashed upon us all... may the Gods have mercy upon your soul."  
  
Will opened his mouth to say something... but the Walrus suddenly exploded into a flurry of white moths that scattered over the ground. He stared at the spot where the walrus once was when a loud splash behind him caused him to spin towards the lake... and then he dropped his fishing pole.  
  
Looming out of the pond, glistening in the sun was an ENORMOUS squid! It was much bigger than the pond, its oblong white head alone couldn't fit under the water. Gigantic eyes on the either side of the head were simply globes of black, ringed in a faint yellow iris that was drastically thin. But, even as Will watched, the pupils were steadily dilating, revealing more of the pale gold. A black-brown beak gnashed inside a flurry of waving pale tentacles and much to the young Old One's surprise the squid spoke.  
  
"BLLLEEAARRGH! Fear me! I am King Kalamari! Behold my exploding tentacles of DEATH!" One of the thick white pillars rose high into the air, slinging water and flexing plate-sized suction cups. Will had only enough time to dodge to the side as the tentacle landed on the ground, exploding into... fish sticks?  
  
Toasty brown fish sticks bounced harmlessly off Will, even as he quietly recited a defense spell against this raving creature. "Wait!" he cried, once the invisible barrier was erected. "I don't want to hurt you!"  
  
"Hurt me? YOU!? Hurt ME!?" the squid suddenly all back, tentacles falling limply by its sides in laughter. "Dear boy I... I... By Poseidon! It's BIGFOOT!"  
  
Will blinked and looked down to the gorilla-like form of Bigfoot on the ground, still panting. It hadn't moved from the spot he'd poked it into before.  
  
The squid suddenly sank below the pond surface, being drawn down as if the pond were fathomless, until eventually only two especially long tentacles with leaf-like ends were waving above the surface.  
  
Will just stood there, even more confused.  
  
"...Old One?" a familiar voice interrupted his confusion. He turned to look into the hawkish face of the very first old one, as well as his master, Merriman Lyon.   
  
"Merriman!" he cried, relieved. "Thank goodness. Do you have any idea of what's going on here? A walrus I talked to earlier mentioned a fanfic... and a talking cat..."  
  
Merriman coughed and raised a bushy brow. "Um, I think I know what is going on. I haven't had the... privilege... of meeting our author yet. Before you ask questions, allow me to explain. It seems that in another plain of existence, other than our own, that is, we exist only in books."  
  
Will's eyes widened.   
  
"A 'fanfic' is a sort o small piece of amateur literature, written by someone who has greatly enjoyed reading of our adventures in those very books. Different types of these 'fanfics' apply to different sources of interest, with different characters. Do you follow?" he continued as Will nodded. "Good. Well, the circumstances we are thrown in in these 'fanfics' depend on the author. And our awareness of the fact that we are in this 'fanfic' depends on the author as well."  
  
"So, this world is a reflection of our author? That... cat?"  
  
"She's not actually a cat, but yes. She's just a rather... ah... she's not mentally stable." Merriman allowed a wry smile upon his bleak face.  
  
"Oh." Will blinked. That wasn't very hard to believe. He was about to question as to how Merriman knew all this when a high-pitched shriek startled him or another time that day.  
  
"What have you done to my squid!?" a black, orange, and white blur streaked across the grass and practically dove into the water. Will immediately recognized Demolition Cat. "I'll save you! ...oh, wait. That's water. And it's wet."  
  
"It's very wet!" Will was surprised he could hear the giant squid's voice so clearly through so much water.  
  
"Hm." The cat sat and looked over her shoulder. "Have you met my walrus? He's name's Michaelangelo."  
  
"Yes..." Will said. Will was aware of Merriman drawing himself up, looking his fiercest at the fuzzy cat before them.   
  
The taller, white-haired Old One was about to speak when the cat hurtled across the short distance between them and promptly sat on his foot, turning her feline face wholly up to him, ears pricked forward, seeming too big for her face. "HI!" she cried joyfully. "You know me. I'm the Bakelite baby. I sit on your sideboard, I sleep in your seasons, I dance in your hat!"  
  
Merriman, taken aback, merely blinked. Will tried not to laugh.  
  
"Tango Delta calling! Wow, how nice. That was my very convincing and very honorable impression of Cy." She made a ^.^ face. "I adore Cy. She's mah role model. However, I haven't quite regained my army of lying rabid potatoes, so you'll have to excuse their absence. We're going to overthrow the Czech Republic!"  
  
"Um... that's... wonderful, miss," Merriman said, trying the polite approach, since intimidation clearly wasn't going to work.   
  
Demolition Cat grinned at Will. "he called me 'miss'!"  
  
Will nodded, grinning broadly himself. Merriman shot him a semi-annoyed glance, but the younger Old One didn't take it seriously.  
  
"I was wondering, Demolition Cat-" Merriman began.  
  
"Demo. Call me Demo."   
  
"...Demo, if you could possibly... just stop?"  
  
"Stop what?" she looked up innocently.  
  
"Stop... writing this fanfic. My apprentice here and I are trying to stop the world from being seized by the Dark. And your little interruption is quite distracting. I was wondering I, maybe, you could let us be on our way now? I think we've been subjected to enough insanity for today. I would be most grateful to you, if you would grant us this favor, and I would thank you in the name of the Lady of the light, as well as on behalf of all Old Ones. I know writing brings you happiness, but it should not be found at the expense of others. So, if you would, please let us go?"  
  
Demo, who had been rubbing her face on his foot and purring, looked up. "What?"  
  
Merriman let a long, ragged sigh out. "Oh, dear..."  
  
It was about that time an earsplitting roar shattered the pensive half-silence. Bigfoot stood, his shaggy sides heaving, his beady eyes blazing, his gargantuan hands reaching out for Will and Merriman.   
  
"Woo! You better get outta here. He's got sunburn." Demo said, shortly before vanishing into nothingness.  
  
Will and Merriman shot each other a glance. Then, as suddenly as it had all began, the squid in the lake vanished, the lingering traces of white moths disappeared, and Bigfoot lumbered of into the trees. The Old Ones stood for a moment, staring at the once-again mundane lake and forest.  
  
"Well... I suppose I shall be of, then." Merriman said. Will nodded, and Merriman turned. The Old One vanished in mid-stride.  
  
Will stuffed his hands and his pockets, before drawing them out again to bend down and pick up his fishing pole. He looked to the hook, which had been secured to the pole earlier, and was now swinging loose. A piece of paper had been folded and impaled on the hook. Will pulled it off, unfolded it, and read the words with a shudder.  
  
"Welcome to the Insanity."  
  
-----  
Note: WOOHOOHOO! Let the madness begin. I prolly won't be TOO frequent here... I'm smack in the middle of things ~.~ This was really a pointless and fun to write fic that just basically gave you my style, though usually my pointless fics are in play format.  
  
Review, pleeze! I wanna know whatcha think of me! Until next time... Ja Ne! 


End file.
